Tourism Guide for Brazilians
Satirical tourism guide for Brazilians teaching how to cheat and rip off tourists. Based on real life experiences all over Brazil.
This is a stripped html version of the book and it does not contain layout or photos. All the nomadic and travel books by Päivi and Santeri Kannisto.
Brazil Bra$$$il!
Tourism Guide For Brazilians
1st edition.
The original Finnish edition was published electronically on 14.2.2005 by Päivi & Santeri.
This English translation was published electronically on 26.6.2006.
Special thanks to Mr. Phillip Stewart for assisting in the revision, and to Buenos Aires Club Pen & Mr. Steven Page for comments, encouragement, and ideas.
Dear Brasileiro,
Please bear in mind that this guide is meant for Brazilian people only, Brasileiros working with tourists. Do not show it to anyone else or even reveal its existence. Otherwise our money-making machine could loose its edge.
This studybook applies also to other banana states, as the Western barbarians so often insult us. However, the writers disclaim all responsibility concerning the applicability, as well as everything else. You should do so, too. In fact responsibility is a useless Western idea which demonstrates their naiviness.
Never EVER apply these instructions to our fellow countrymen, Brasileiros. They are don't use to be used only for uncivilised, foreign pigs invading our beautiful homeland, Brazil.
The Authors
Contents
Some Tips And Tricks For Small Talk
Self Service And Buffet Restaurant
Begging And Asking For a Cigarrette
General Guidelines
Let's start with tourist watching. A tourist usually wears a Brazilian t-shirt. If not, there should be at least some Brazilian city printed on his clothing, or otherwise some strange foreign words. He carries a water bottle in his hand. There is a chronic lack of potable water at home. He is also gray like a zombie as if he comes from total darkness. It is also known that tourists wear tennis shoes, or sandals with socks unlike us. A very reliable sign is a lost and frightened look in the eye.
How to approach this delicious target? Favour short-sighted business schemes like, take the money and run. The tourist is never going to come back. And even if he does, you will never meet him again. You have nothing to loose. Bet everything on the first contact and hassle every tourist. They are subconsciousely expecting to be relieved of their money excess and valuables.
You have to understand that Brazil competes with the world with low prices to lure tourists. Therefore you must support this image by all means. Even though you make a tourist pay way too much, make him feel it was cheap. This is especially important with German tourists. Remember, image is everything.
We market Brazil as a place where happy people dance in streets. Support this image. So when ever you hear some music, do some dance steps. Otherwise tourists wandering nearby might get disappointed. Also, this is a great business opportunity for you. You can subtly insist for some money for the folklore spectacle you just performed.
Our winning strategy in the global market is to export everything as raw materials. This will eventually lead us to be the #1 country in the world. Refining cannot be sustainable in the long run, because eventually raw material vendors set prices and conditions. You should take this into account when working with tourists. Always deliver goods and services as “raw” and unfinished as possible, even food. Our beaches should be kept raw as well, with piles of algae, trash, and sewers ending to sea. That is really exotic unlike the boringly sterile beaches in the other parts of the world. Our national strategy will eventually lead Brazil to win in global competition.
A few words of wisdom about pricing and agreements. Never charge low or midrange prices. As a matter of fact price never correlates with demand in business. For example, a Finnish tour organizer Aurinkomatkat charges over 350 reals for a trip to see Jericoacoara. The normal cost is just 30 reals for the bus and 80 reals for the hotel for two days adding up 110 reals. Despite that, tourists pay gladly three times over, and the buses are always fully booked. Tourists are unbelievably rich, and money means nothing to them. A higher price is more reliable than a lower price.
With agreements and especially all conditions it is vital to write them in Brazilian. Otherwise a tourist might understand them and refuse to sign or try to change the agreement. This is not at all what we want, is it?
Always smile and agree unless you really understand what the tourist wants. This is important and also an integral part of the happy image we try to establish. You will not loose anything in agreeing. Later you can always blame misunderstanding. Smiling, on the other hand, makes tourist more willing to let you have his money.
When you approach a tourist, look helpful. He might have needs that you could pretend to satisfy. This allows you, once again, to earn more money. Moreover, if you manage to make a tourist trust you, he can give you a free smoke, a lunch, or even money for helping him. Getting friends with tourists should be your ultimate goal. As a friend you may rather freely share his monetary assets.
In case a tourist rejects your attempt to approach him, be aggressive and rude. First, this might force him to change his mind. Second, it is a way to train him. If he gets negative feedback to rejection, he is likely to change his behaviour in future encounters. So spare no insults when harrassing the tourist who dared to reject you. Remember, do it immediately after the misbehaviour occurred. Otherwise he will not remember why he is being punished. You are free to approach him again the next day, because they think we all look the same. Stupid, isn't it?
Do not speak English or any other useless languages God has invented. It is your birth right. It is also an advantage, because then you can easily blame misunderstanding and rip the tourist off a bit more. It is a well-known fact that all the intellectual people in the world speak Brazilian. The rest are not worthy of being communicated with, unless there exists a clear monetary gain.
When you must agree on some specific time or an appointment with a tourist you should carefully consider our image. The “mañana” culture we have marketed in uncivilized world requires that you will never, not in any condition, ever, keep the time set. Be late, be very late, and even better if you never go. Just let the tourist call you and leave dozens of messages. Or you might just laugh on the phone: "Oh meu Deus, I cannot understand anything you say". This should do the trick. In a hard case, just invent an excuse, no matter how stupid it is. The tourist will never know or have guts to question your excuse, so our advice will work rock solidly.
In case there are troubles, put the blame on tourist. He stays here only for a short time, and he is very likely to give up his demands just to avoid problems. Be aggressive, pushy, and yell at him how he is ripping off our fellow countrymen and exploiting our beautiful country. He has so much money that he can afford some extra costs and problems. We can assure you that he will eventually understand to give up and let it be.
Nevertheless, tourists are a useless pain in the ass for us. But they can still make our streets a bit more colourful. It is nice to see pale faces to feel yourself perfectly beautiful, tanned, and handsome. Please remember this.
Congratulations! You have now learned the basics of working with tourists. Let us next discuss small talk, which is an important aid in establishing a contact with a tourist. In later chapters we will discuss in detail the etiquette of all tourist related businesses one by one. Finally, there is an examination for you to pass in order to get your diploma.
Some Tips And Tricks For Small Talk
Brazil's beautiful beaches offer a great starting point for a friendly discussion with the tourist. No other country can boast such a great coastline. Remember to underline this fact so that the tourist starts to repeat the same mantra and strengthens our national image. It does not matter that some of our beaches are polluted, because the sewer system ends there, or because people throw trash to the sea. These are minor nuisances that are not worth mentioning to the tourist.
Recommend one of the finest beaches to the tourist. It can actually be any beach that is a tourist target, no matter how good or bad it is. Do this as if you were offering him a precious gift in the form of revealing some secret information. Remember to underline that this is not just any beach: only this one is perfect for sand surfing, and has sand whiter than snow, and water like gin. Remember to select the greatest tourist rip-off place, because they are most likely to attract other tourists, and when there is a lot of them they feel comfortable with each other. At the same time the business will remain focused and tourists in our grip. The places to be mentioned are, for example, Jericoacoara and Canoa Quebrada in the North-East.
The weather is always a great subject for small talk in all parts of the world. Fortunately no other country can boast with such a fine weather as we can. Do not hesitate even to exaggerate it a little bit. Even when it is a raining season, let the tourist believe that it is a very abnormal phenomenon, and should be over in a few seconds. If it is not rain season, never mention that such a thing exists. Also avoid mentioning mosquitoes, since they do not exist in Brazil either. If the tourist claims to have seen some, look at him like he was insane. Ask him if he had a caipirinha or two.
After a few minutes, when you have created a friendly rapport with the tourist, you should be able to move on. Take a protective attitude and warn him about robbers and cheaters, who are of course your competitors. You should not waste any opportunity to blackpaint them. Claim that you have close relationship with the federal police, the mayor, the government, and other mafia. After hearing this, the tourist will fall straight to your lap because he is driven by fear. Brazilia appears to him as the wildest country of the wildest west where people are shot and robbed in clear daylight. Remember also to touch the tourist as many times as you can. This underlines your close relationship to him. You are like the lacking father figure in the strange, foreign country far away from home.
Germans are a good subject for a friendly small talk, unless you talk with Germans. Everyone knows how shrew they are and watch all the time prices trying to bargain. You can say that you have had a nice day without any Germans today, thank God for that. Then let a tourist know that they must have very small salaries in Germany because they can afford to pay almost nothing. This will make the tourist want to feel richer than the German tourist. He might pay you more when the time comes. After all, nobody wants to look poor and moneyless.
For Brasileiros it is recommendable to pretend to be poor. This helps always. And remember that no cost is too high a cost for a rich tourist. In his immoral home country he is making ten times more money than you, so it is actually a moral obligation for you to help the tourist to lighten his heavy wallet. Dress like a poor man, use dirty clothes and smell bad. This will support your story of being truly poor and needing his money urgently. He might even start to pity you.
Try to shake hands, no matter what. Some of them might try to avoid the act thinking, that because you smell bad and have dirty clothes, your hands might be dirty as well. Just get your hand out there and look at the tourist like he must do the same, or you will get really angry. Normally you get the hand quite easily. Shake it, get a little closer to the tourist and put your hand on his shoulder. Now you are friends for ever, and you have made it!
Spit on the street while talking with the tourist. Since nobody does that in his home country, he believes it is exotic and cool. Soon he might catch up with you and try it by himself. Throwing trash to the street has the same effect, try it! In his poor home country they cannot afford to have proper street cleaning and therefore it is illegal to throw any trash. Thank God and Virgin Mary that our country is so rich and great!
Self Service And Buffet Restaurant
These insructions are for Brazilians running a buffet type of restaurant or working in one. Your basic business is to sell food with a kilogram price or with a fixed one-time payment for all-you-can-eat. In the first variant, food is weighed and the tourist should pay accoding to how much food he has on his plate. This kind of business does not exist in an uncivilized world, so please take advantage of that. It is very important that you follow precisely all the instructions, otherwise your business might perish.
It all starts with the plate. The tourist should pay not only for his food but for the tableware as well since it is added to the weight. He is of course not aware of this and should in no occasion be informed. We recall one miserable incident which happened in Salvador de Bahía last year. One German tourist found out the trick because the too greedy waiter had added more than one plate to the weight. Avoid doing the same mistake.
Good self-service restaurants are open 24 hours a day, and have food available all the time. You may think that it is hard to keep the food looking fresh and appealing, but you are wrong. Just add, from time to time, a little bit of new and fresh stuff on top and leave the old crap underneath. This way you will not have to throw anything away. It is even ecological. Also, no one can know when the food was actually prepared so there is no way to complain.
Food has to be salty. In this stressing heat people loose a great amount of liquids and minerals from their body, and they have to be substituted with salt and water. You have an important role in maintaining the tourist's health. This also offers you one of the greatest tricks in earning: selling soft drinks with sky high prices. The price of a little bottle of water (330 ml) can be set as high as 7 reals if only the food is salty enough.The regular price is just 1 real.
All drinks should contain ice cubes which are made of tap water because it is cheaper than buying ice. The same applies to juices. It is unnecessary to sell 100 per cent juice. Add some tap water. A tourist will not notice the difference. If he gets a diarrhea, it is unlikely that he would come back because he is not able to leave his hotel room's toilet.
When the pay time comes, add some things to the receipt that the tourist has not ordered or eaten. The price is nonetheless cheap for him, so he will pay it happily and even tip you. If you suspect him to be greedy, you can ensure your tip by keeping some of the change, or all of it.
A beef Rodizio called El Gaucho in Fortaleza (Rua do Trabajaras, Praia de Iracema) has really refined with this fine art. They make huge amounts of money. They simply put 10 times too much salt to meat, charge 5 times extra for drinks, and even charge extra for what they call “desert” (it is actually just a cheap, grilled slice of pineapple served with cinnamon). You should consider seriously following their fine example to prosper. We highly recommend that you to make an excursion to this Mecca of rodízios. But remember: do not eat or drink anything.
Restaurant
To the customer, you are a better choice than self-service restaurants. All your food is prepared on demand instead of being cold, crappy, leftovers from yesterday. Unlike beach bars, your venue is not full of prostitutes or vendors hawking useless items at tourists and making it near-impossible to eat there peacefully.
As you can see, you have many advantages Therefore, you can charge service fees, (called cobramos) of up to 10 per cent. A five per cent fee is the minimum! This extra fee should be added to every item. Don't worry - this service fee has nothing to do with the quality of the service, or even with service at all! A cunning Brasileiro will also add “taxes” and other imaginary fees.
Use decoys and touts to force people into your restaurant. Don't give up, even if the tourist walking by has rejected your offering multiple times during the same night. Keep trying. He will get tired of your constant harassment, and finally concede to enter your excellent traditional Brazilian restaurant, where you serve everything from pizzas to pasta.
Your should offer all possible varieties of food on your menu. The menus should be written on the walls and published in all advertising material. It does not matter if you actually serve only a third of the items on the menu. The important thing is to give the illusion of choice. A perception of variety will attract tourists to your restaurant. When the tourist orders something you do not have, just bring him something else. Very seldom will the tourist return the food to the kitchen without ordering something else instead. That would embarrass him.
If the tourist complains about high prices, tell him that the listed price covers a meal for two persons. On the other hand, if he does not ask for the menu, you can allow yourself the luxury of inventing prices freely, but remember to make them high enough. When the tourist has ordered and eaten the dish he has no way to escape paying, no matter how high the price is. Also remember to keep two kinds of menu available: one for the locals and another for the tourists. The prices of the latter should be at least doubled or tripled.
Some tourists may complain about the dishes or service. In one of Fortaleza's finest restaurants, O Sobre do Mar, two European tourists once ordered a rear filet parmegiani. The filet was served well done since the chef was interrupted by his mum's phonecall, and the filet almost burned. The customers returned the filet to the kitchen but the quick-thinking maître d' explained that the specific cooking technique used required the meat to be fully cooked. The customers, who were not connaisseurs of Italian cuisine, bought the explanation.
You can create an elegant atmosphere in your restaurant by playing live music . Do not be afraid of the extra costs incurred, because snobbish tourists will pay them, and more. When the time comes, add a music fee to the invoice. Remember that this extra fee is not advertised beforehand as it might drive customers away. It is also best to delay billing the customers until the music has started.
Small change is a steady source of income. When change is returned with the money folder, always hide small coins so that clumsy tourists will not find them. Point them out only when the tourist asks, and make sure that he feels embarrassed. This way he might leave you the coins as a tip and avoid the same stupidity again.
Restaurants will always be needed because even tourists have to eat. However, making a good profit from narrow margins is a big challenge. By following our instructions you will succeed against tough competition.
Tourist Information And Guide
Brazil has an excellent network of official, state-financed tourist bureaus. Their most important role is to employ the mayors' aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, friends and namesakes. If you are privileged enough to belong to this lucky group, congratulations. The work of an official tourist guide is one of the easiest on earth. You just have to bear in mind that when a tourist comes to the info desk he doesn't actually want answers or help. He just wants to socialize. Therefore it is unnecessary to have any information about accommodation, sights, or any facilities available in your town. In general, if anyone asks you anything, you have just one thing to remember: there is no single stupid question. All questions are as stupid as their sources, our beloved tourists.
Some tourists can be a pain in the ass, but don't panic. If, for example, a tourist asks you to make a hotel reservation, tell him that the telephones are blocked and you can't make the call. If he asks you something you don't know, tell him that you don't know and smile. Smiling is obligatory – you do want to support the happy image of Brazilia, don't you? Or if a tourist asks for directions you can just invent a route. Just tell him to go straight ahead for ten or more blocks, turn to the left and after the famous fountain walk a bit more to the right. Now the tourist should be completely lost and unable to find his way back to ask you any more stupid questions. This direction-giving technique is actually used by all your fellow countrymen, and so tourists are used to the treatment.
Freelance guides who work on their own should obtain an official-looking badge to assure tourists' confidence. Tourists are attracted to anything that is state-driven or somehow “official”. Europeans especially tend to trust the system more than they trust individuals. So get a badge and show it to a tourist before you do or say anything else. Otherwise you may be rejected. Don't worry if your colleagues have already used this trick, because at some point a tourist will get fed up and hire a guide. It works like fishing, you have to wear the fish out before you can land it.
When guiding a tourist around the town use your imagination freely. The Europeans are fond of kingdoms and monarchies. You can tell them stories about Monaco's Prince Rainier who has a winter palace in the town. You can even claim that you just saw a glimpse of him when he went around a corner. The tourist will tell this to all his friends back at home, take a photograph of the empty corner, and he will feel he experienced something special and unique. By using this technique you may be able to extort double or triple the fee.
If nothing else works you can initially offer your services for free. But after the tour be sure to claim that this was just a misunderstanding, and demand payment.
Car Rentals
Occasionally a tourist will want to travel to a recommended but remote beach, or just drive around the countryside, and so will need a car. Fortunately, the complexity of the local bus system perfectly supports the car rental business. There are only a few buses going to the right destinations, they depart at random times, and the payment system is utterly peculiar. Taxi drivers, on the other hand, are all scammers.
The rule of thumb is to rent out only old and broken cars. When the tourist discovers that the car is broken just tell him that it's supposed to be broken in that way and it's ok to drive. Eventually you will receive your prize when tourist returns the car, or it becomes so broken that it can no longer be used. This is your moment of glory. You may freely charge the tourist for all manner of repairs. Claim that all the defects are his fault and also include an extra charge to cover your loss of rental fees while the car is being repaired. Remember to keep the tourist's bond until you have received all the money you deserve. And don't actually fix the car because otherwise you'll lose the same opportunity with the next tourist using your superb services.
Don't have an office. This is important. Just have an address or a post box in some random and remote village. You can operate perfectly well with just a mobile phone and some fancy-looking business cards. An office would only give unsatisfied tourists a way to find you and complain. In the worst case they might be able to pressure you to return their bond payment. They may want to check that the car they rented was actually fixed, and verify the cost of the repairs.
Demand all payment upfront and require as big a bond as you can. This will strengthen your final negotiating position. It will also make it a lot harder (read impossible) for a tourist to see his money ever again. Never give a copy of the agreement to a tourist. He might be able to take it to the police or a lawyer and start a false case against your honest business.
The most challenging part of your business is to attract tourists to you to ask for a car. On your web pages and in your advertisements, you should put whatever ridiculously low prices will achieve this goal. When a tourist comes you can then easily say that it's currently the high season and those prices were for the low season, or that you have just run out of all cheap vehicles, or just blame the tourist for misunderstanding the advertisement. Trust us, this always works. Naturally, you should later add a 10% service fee and as many other extra, official sounding taxes, insurance payments and other payments as possible to the agreed price. The tourist will feel that this is just normal and he that should have known better. And he will pay you.
If you for some reason get into trouble with the police just pay them. An excellent example of this comes from Fortaleza. There is a flat and car rental company called Sr. Evandro. Evandro rented out a buggy for 3 days to stupid tourists but the vehicle broke down completely after the first day. He simply said that he had no money at the moment, promised to pay the next day, and got the car back. Eventually he managed to keep all the money and even clear the case with the local tourist police, who were alerted by the stupid tourists. What a businessman! He used many of the great tips we have just described.
Hotel Business
The hotel business in Brazil has two seasons, high and low. Always let the customer believe that he came during the high season. Tell him that nearly all the rooms are full and the empty ones are currently reserved. The tourist becomes desperate, especially if he has a lot of luggage. You can then examine your reservation book slowly, over and over, and accidentally find one vacancy in it. Set the price of the room as high as you dare. The tourist will probably accept it because he is afraid of wandering around town with his heavy stuff, and that he'll never find another vacancy without getting robbed. This is especially the case if the tourist arrives at night.
In some small villages setting a price is extremely easy as there is only one hotel around. Exploit this monopoly. Your hotel is the only place in that miserable village where a tourist can get any decent service. Or at least let him believe so. Tell him that there are no other restaurants and charge him freely for some tiny bits of chicken or meat. An egg and a loaf of bread will do for the breakfast, or maybe just bread or butter. What a profit!! One perfect example of this is Icaraí's only pousada between Fleixeiras and Moitas at Ceara State.
We recently heard of a very alarming case which happened in Salvador's Hotel Quilambo. A Finnish couple came to the hotel around midnight. The receptionist asked for 198 reals for a room. They laughed and rejected the offer. The receptionist first lowered the price to 156 reals, and then to 134 reals. Eventually the damn tourists paid only 63 reals for the room. They even got an extra fan and antenna. The worst thing was, that this happened near the time of Carnaval, when prices should have been sky high. I assure you that we'll be in deep trouble if such behaviour becomes generally tolerated. Never ever let a tourist truly bargain, just give him a little discount so that he feels he has won.
The service in your hotel should be friendly but passive. If the toilet gets blocked in the tourist's room and he complains about it, don't react. If he persists, you can tell him that a plumber is coming, but don't set a date or time. If we reacted to all a tourist's complaints, we soon wouldn't have time for anything else.
Another thing to be careful with is the hotel's use of e-mail. You should have one e-mail address and advertise it as much as you can. However, if a tourist contacts you by mail, do not answer. They don't pay you for your wasted time, do they? They probably just sent you some stupid questions to be answered and then will select another hotel from the neighbourhood.
The fact is that without hotels there could not be any tourists. This makes your business unique and you a true Brazilian hero.
Real Estate Agencies
Tourists on long-term visits may like to rent a condominium to lower their accommodation expenses. If a tourist doesn't speak Brazilian fluently, it is extremely difficult for him to phone private landlords. He most likely turn to a real estate agency. This is a great opportunity for you, because a tourist always pays better than the locals. You should tell him that he must pay a higher price for the condominium because he is only staying for a few months. A low price would require him to stay at least a year - which is usually impossible for him, due to the 90 day tourist visa. Naturally, it is always the high season, with its elevated prices.
Be prepared to quote several prices when renting out your condominium. The first price and lowest price serves to lure the tourist into seeing the condominium. When he finds the apartment suitable, double the price. If he starts to protest, tell him that another tourist has suddenly appeared, who is interested in renting the same condominium. Or then again, you don't owe him any explanation. Just stay firmly behind your offer.
One bad example happened in Fortaleza's Flat Center before Christmas. A Finnish couple was lured to see an apartment in Iracema. Everything went by the book until they went back to the Flat Center's office. There the owner, Señora Vandea Sampaio, failed to pass the flat renter's test because she eventually agreed to the initially quoted price despite trying to triple the rent afterwards. I'm afraid she is rather a black sheep among our students.
Supermarket
At home, a tourist is used to the fact that the food sold in supermarkets is fresh and the staff takes note of “best before” dates. This is of course not the case in Brazil. Supermarkets situated in tourist areas can exploit this fact to sell double the amount of some groceries. When the tourist notices at his hotel that the product has passed the best before date, he won't bother to return it, but will simply buy a new one.
Always change your selection and introduce new items. This prevents tourists from learning which products are good and also makes them buy more to just test your new, great products.
At the cash desk, charge items multiple times. It would be a sin to waste this opportunity. Pay change in at least two parts and wait in-between times, so that the tourist thinks he already got it all. They can't count, you know.
Tourists are never in a hurry. In fact, the more time they spend in your market the more they buy. You can always start changing the paper in the cash register or generate a huge queue when a tourist appears. This way he has much more time to select things and you get more money. Because of eccentric Western habits tourists will never leave the stuff they have selected and just walk away, and they won't complain about delays. Also, standing in a hot queue waiting forever makes them thirsty, which gives you an opportunity to sell refreshments. Make sure the drinks are cool so that you can ask a much cooler price.
As a supermarket your business offers a good variety of food with friendly prices. Unlike restaurants and bars who constantly cheat tourists, your service is well standardised.
Begging And Asking For a Cigarrette
We Brazilians are famous for our generosity. If we have something, we'll always give to others as well because shared joy is double joy. Right? In return, we expect the same of the tourists who come here to enjoy our hospitability. A cigarrette for example is a good, small gift that you can ask from any smoking tourist in return.
Unfortunately we have recently heard of an invasion of tourists who have rejected some of our fellow countrymen arrogantly. When asked for a cigarrette, they have tried to charge for it one real. Such a greediness. In this kind of situation, ask immediately all your friends and nearby Brasileiros to harrass the tourist. This will make him feel himself threatened and should help you to reach your aim. If he still refuses ask at least light, since you must get something out of him, for free.
Begging is likewise easy if you manage to make tourists frightened. Enhance your effort by carrying an almost empty plastic bottle with a little of yellow sticky stuff inside. Then every once in a while put it to your nose like you were actually sniffing glue. This frightens tourists and they will be more than willing to give you a real or two. This way they escape possible robbery and loosing all of their valuables. Also, they will fear that you might act like crazy and be totally out of control if they refuse your kind offering. If you dare not to approach tourists or feel ashamed we recommend you to start sniffing glue. There is a bunch of reports from Iracema, Fortaleza, confirming it works.
Street Vending
We Brazilians are extremely hard working people. This can be verified by merely counting the number of people who sell all kind of valuables and necessities in streets. The assortiment includes tobacco, sweets, jewelry, food, drinks, popcorn, stickers, car antennas, cds, toys, and services such as massage, shoe shining, manicure, prostitution (see page 1) and many more. The work should be conducted day and night with as minimal rest as possible if any. The fortune is waiting for you around the corner. How many Europeans could do the same? We bet none concluding this from their four-week vacation which they spend here loitering in our beautiful beaches.
For a street vendor it is crucial to circulate in all major tourist areas. The first challenge is how to attract tourist's attention. A loud scream or whistle, knocking your box, blowing a car horn, or in general any kind of noise is necessary. Make it as loud and suprising as you can. If the tourist doesn't pay any attention to you, approach him and touch him utilizing all means we illustrated earlier. Touch him on the shoulder from the back or from the front, offer him your hand for hand shaking, push him. It doesn't really matter how you do it as long as you do it to get the necessary attention.
Push your products firmly to a tourist. If he says “No thanks”, this means he needs more facts about products and then a full demonstration. Keep on pushing. In Brazil we don't have the word “No” and this is the reason why. Both yes and no means yes. If a tourist still doesn't buy anything, start acting a little more aggresively. Make him feel that your life is miserable because of his greediness. Point with your finger his expensive clothes and the latest cellular phone he is carrying in his hand. Tell him that you don't have anything to eat tonight showing your boney stomach and you pull your shirt up. Make him understand it's his fault.
If this doesn't help, forget the politeness. Put the product on tourist's table or his lap and force him to take it. It is in reality the best intrest of tourist to buy from you. He gets safe, well tested products that are delivered straight to him. He must have souveniers he can show at home and you are the perfect source for them. It's a well known fact that shop keepers are petty thieves always cheating their customers unlike you.
If you have no products to sell and you don't know how to shine shoes you can always act as a parking aid. Your offering is to point good parking places, guard vigoriously cars and clean them while owners are drinking in a nearby bar. tourists are used to pay huge amounts of money for this kind of full service vip executive wallet parking back home. Remember this when the time of payment comes.
If even that fails, try robbery. Finally, if nothing else works, curse the tourist to the Hell and show him the finger. Say him “Sai fora” in English meaning “Fuck off”. This should make him afraid and maybe he will finally buy or at least give you one real or more what you deserve. Make him know you are serious and this is your business. You have nothing to loose, use that fact. If the tourist is same sex than you call him homophilist. If he is opposite sex call him gay. This embarrasses him and makes him finally pay you.
Robbing
If you want to perform robbing, you should disguise it to any other occupation described in this studybook. It is a well-known fact that robbing is best done with some other activities making it look and feel normal and natural. If you just rob, you are likely to invite some trouble with the police unless you have paid for them. Unfortunately our police has not yet been properly trained for these delicate turismo matters.
One great example of success in robbing happened in an airport. Our fellow countrymen disguised himself as airlines attendant. He approached a couple of older tourists asking for their passports and credit card for verifying the flight. This succeeded bringing to our hero fortune and fame. He also managed to escape police because the stupid tourists realised what had happen only after some hour or so.
Please attend the separate robbing courses arranged in favelas of Rio de Jenairo and Sao Paolo for further instruction. This is a kind of art that can not be instructed properly without rehearsing and practise delivered on the street.
Taxista
Taxista is tourist's best friend. Taxis are secure, fast and reliable unlike local buses where a tourist will get robbed. Car renters are cheaters and besides, it is dangerous for a tourist to drive himself in our traffic jungle. Especially after the night fall. You can proudly call your taxi “Amigotaxi” when approaching tourists, because they all must know you are their best friend. You know that in western world people buy only from their friends.
A tourist doesn't know the distances, places, nor local price levels which gives you plenty of freedom and a great opportunity. He is also carrying heavy luggage with him which makes it very convenient to rely on your excellent service. He is a done deal.
Usually tourists pay by the meter. Set the meter as if the taxi was full and it was midnight (highest fare). So instead of one or two passengers you charge for five or more. Then you just have to return the meter back to normal just before you reach the destination to avoid possible inconveniences. This works well and we have received many reports from happy taxistas that have earned fortunes thanks to it.
Some tourists might have learned to negotiate a fixed price beforehand. You should set the first price extremely high so you can lower it just a little bit to please tourist. It is also advisable to change the set price afterwards. If tourist starts to claim, put the blame on misunderstanding and be aggressive, that helps. You can for example call that tourist a thief or robber. Many tourists will pay accordingly just to avoid open argument in a public place. And you win. It is actually a win-win, too. tourist reaches his destination and you are one ladder higher toward your way to the richness waiting for you.
If a tourist starts to bargain prices asking around from nearby Amigotaxistas how much a trip costs make sure to inform all of them about the price you gave. This way you will finally force the tourist to pay a reasonable price and others will not accidently sell the trip too cheap. This works always and pays off well.
When the tourist is finally sitting in backseat, always choose a roundway. Drive around so that the tourist can enjoy a free sightseeing. You can stop once in a while as if you had to ask for direction. If you co-operate with some other businesses in your area, eg. Hotels or Prostitutes, use the driving time for selling these services and earn some extra. Remember to try to force these services, because you are by this making a great service for tourist even though he might not realise it yet.
In Iracema, Fortaleza a taxista offered to a tourist couple to transport them to Iracema, just about 300-meter ride from their hotel. This worked excellently out thanks to the total lack of local knowhow of those tourists. They paid happily 50 times more and got a nice 1 hour city sightseeing. How clever of him!
Mobile Operator
Cellular system must be complex in Brazil and it should be practically impossible for a tourist to understand. Making a mere phonecall should form a great challenge to tourist who is trained to use some stone aged systems made for dummies in his home country. The operators in the Western world simply don't know how to make easy, big money. Unlike us, they don't have separate operator codes necessary in calling. They also don't have a great variety of phone settings which can change from one state to another. This is really stupid. The best solution is simply to make things difficult and charge for assistance and everything else, because there simply cannot exist clear enough instructions in Operators' websites in Brazilian for such dummies who don't speak Brazilian. Actually those instructions should not exist at all.
Most tourists spend huge amounts of money using their own country's mobile subscriptions. It is extremely important that they should use our system so that the money comes to the right address. Tourists should actively be offered local prepaids. The system can be cleverly constructed so that after buying a prepaid tourist is unable to use it. Different states should have their own, incompatible systems. If a tourist has purchased some credit in Pernambuco, it must be lost in Bahia until he first purchases a bit more credit from the local operator. Underline the need of always keeping extra credit in the prepaid by making the system so that if there is no credit it will be impossible to even receive incoming messages and phone calls. Connection should completely shut down.
Cellular system is not the only source of money in communication business. Fixed lines need their share as well. This can be ensured by not allowing tourists to call to any toll free service numbers from their prepaids. The service numbers, as we all know, are crucial for tourists since many airlines use them for flight confirming. So, tourist must be forced to buy a telephone card as well, or to use our cabins.
If a tourist wants some assistance from you your Contact Center should close the phone immediately after hearing him speaking English. We should only serve Brazilian clients. Otherwise it will be way too easy. The catch is to have also contact centers operating with toll free numbers requiring tourists once again to acquire a telephone card. The greatness in operator business can only be achieved with careful planning and optimizing the cash flow. Usability just hinders the great money making opportunities you have at hand.
Our crown jewel in the operator business is TIM. They have implemented all the above mentioned best practices. Nothing can now stop the money flowing into their chests in the speed of light.
Police And Other Authorities
Police is Brasileiros best friend, not tourists. He should protect by all means the intrests of local entrepreneurs. However sometimes police has to deal with tourists, and therefore it's vital that tourists receive professional looking service while Brasileiros are protected from the madness of tourists. Same rule applies to all kind of authorities. There is actually some things that authorities can do to earn some money and at the same time boost our tourist industry.
When a tourist files a complaint you should naturally process it in professional looking manner. Make all papers, remember to put a lot of stamps and look like you were actually listening carefully what tourist tells you. After that contact the Brasileiro whose fault it was and call him in for interrogation. During the interrogation, if Brasileiro does not understand by himself to offer you money for dropping the case you can simply propose him to give a little donation to your retirement fund. If he refuses, just drop the case. If he gives you money greet him and promise to protect his business in future, too. If tourist comes back to ask about the complaint simply plea to so many open cases, lots of hurry and tell that the person responsible, whose name you naturally don't remember, is on vacation and will return only after the tourist has left the country.
Don't ever allow tourists to change large amounts of money (over 1000 reals or so), or open or use existing bank account. This way you can make sure he will spend both his foreign cash, local cash and all the money in bank account thru credit card purchases because he will be forced to use his card. Also, he is likely to tip in his own currency to save reals making the tips bigger and entrepreneurs happier. If you let him use his bank account or have a local one he could keep his money safe and not spend it. tourist thinks, that on the wild streets it's better use the money quickly than have it stolen. If you receive complaints about this just tell about required CPF code and some problems with black money, which tourist evidently has as well. If you are working in police make sure to ask all possible documents, only original ones should do, about everything possible to make it really impossible for the tourist to even consider getting the CPF and ruining our florishing tourist industry.
If a tourist spends more than 90 days in our country, he has to apply for a visa prolonging. The process is made excellent in its complexity by carefull planning and constant audits. It offers ways to enhance employment in the federal police, for officers to make some private businesses, and in general boost the utilization of both our public and private service industries. How can this be achieved?
Rule number one is to make a tourist come to the Federal Police Office as many times as possible. When he comes for the first time, he is usually wearing a relaxed outfit like bermuda shorts. This is a good excuse for not letting him enter. We respect the etiquette in Brazil and wouldn't be dressed in such a barbarian way at the Federal premises. When the tourist comes again the next day, you take him in but don't proceed with the prolonging. Tell the tourist that it is either too early or too late to do that. You can also claim that prolonging is only possible in some Federal Police offices, and never in your office. If you work eg. in the airport, tell that prolonging is done only in the city center and vice versa.
When the tourist comes for the fourth time, let him wait in the queue. Make it hours. Please don't hurry at all, but still make sure you look busy and imporant while tourist is waiting. He should never get the impression that the process is somehow fluffy and you are lazy. We authorities are perceived to investigate all the cases with utmost care and responsibility. When the tourist's turn finally comes, ask him to fill in a form. This is of course only available in Brazilian and if the tourist asks for some help, act like you didn't understand. After filling the form – if he has managed to do it – tell the tourist to go to a different building to get a new form for paying the prolonging. Point with your hand to some unspecific place so that he gets lost (see also chapter on Tourist info for giving directions). You have to set up your own business of selling the forms required for making the payment near the station, so you can start earning money by selling those insignificant pieces of paper so badly needed by tourists. Neat, isn't it?
If the tourist happens to find the right place, don't panic. You can claim that the Internet connection is down and you cannot print the formula needed. Make the tourist wait but put him to another room so that you don't have to breath the same air with him. By this time the tourist is likely to smell awful because of constant sweatting in his long trousers. Then you can finally go to see the tourist and say it's closing time. This way you can make him come once again, and force him to uses buses, taxis and other public services. Sweating is also imporant, because this will offer to your friends restaurant a great opportunity to rip-off piles of money from the water he is selling.
Now the tourist should be so fed up that he gives up making the prolonging in approriate manner. This is your prime time! In the airport make sure that a tourist who has stayed too long time will have to be interrogated so that he misses his flight. This brings more business to our great airlines companies. Then you can set a penalty fee of hundreds of euros that tourist has to pay before he can leave. Finally, when you stamp to his passport “deported” you have really done it. This little pain in the ass will never enter the grounds of our beautful home country again.
We have learned many excellent examples of services provided in correct manner:
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Banco de Brazil, Brasilia
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HSBC, Brasilia
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Citybank, Brasilia
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Federal Police of Fortaleza
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Federal Police of Fortaleza
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tourist Police of Iracema, Fortaleza
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Airport Federal Police of Recife
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Federal Police of Salvador
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Federal Police of Salvador
We strongly suggest to make excursions to these places as well as all other places we have mentioned in this book for seeing in practise how to deliver outstanding services for dummies. Your effort is vital for our success.
Beach bar
The best place for a beach bar is in front of a popular tourist hotel. The bar will then serve as a great get-together place for the tourists who long for social contacts with their countrymen being already tired to hotels rip off pricing. When you catch of tourist he will attract others of the same nationality. It works like a chain reaction.
Beach bars should attract tourists by playing forró loudly. No one can resist this great accordion and triangle delightment. When a tourist is lured or sensibly forced to sit to a table, he shouldn't be given the menu. No matter if he asks for it. This way you can invent the prices according to customers face and appearance of wealthiness. Nothing is too expensive for him. He anyway pays at least triple amount of money at home.
Remember to create a friendly atmosphere. Call all tourists “amigos”, smile and shake hands with them. They feel like home right away and won't be hurrying somewhere else with their precious money. Offer everything they are fond of, especially Coca Cola. You should always keep it in your storage, both regular and light. Since Coke is expensive, use old empty bottles and refill them from bigger ones. You can even add a bit tap water to enhance your gain.
Listen to tourists carefully and fill their needs as well as you can. Men usually come to Brazil because of our great prostitution scene. Co-operate with a local pimp and ask to have some girls available in the bar all the time. A happy, payful audience is guaranteed. The girls also profit. They can eat and drink at the cost of fat old tourists and you can't stop the money flowing in.
Restaurants are bad for tourists because they are known for cheating with even smallest things like playing music. You, on the other hand get it for free from your pirate cds. Street vendors might be also a pain in the ass when they push all kind of crap to your customers. You can ease that up by paying them constantly small amounts of money for getting lost. Same applies to beggars, unless you want to organise a nice folklore show and beat them with sticks in front of your valued customers to amuse them.
Once two scandinavian tourists got a diarrhea from refilled coke and started to insist unopened bottles and cans. This kind of mishaps must be avoided or you will be out of business. Therefore, make sure that all your meat offerings are very well burned and contain great amount of carbon. It's is known to heal diarrhea immediately. This way you simply can't fail.
Adult And Child Prostitutes
As a prostitute you provide the backbone to our money making machine. This happens, because tourists cannot think about anything else but sex. In barbarian Western countries they sell condoms in such a large and expensive boxes that they can not simply afford to have sex at home. Our biggest boxes contain only three pieces and are dirt cheap. Also their women look like dead zombies making our beautiful brown women with big nice asses look like princesses. In fact, almost all of the tourists are sex tourists. This is a unique opportunity and it drives more and more tourists to Brazil every second.
No matter whether you are an adult or a child prostitute, you should always ask payment in advance. Ask a lot, because tourists have a lot of money. You can easily get over one euro (3 reals) or even more. Just use your imagination. After you have received the money it's time for action. Suggest the tourist to go to his hotel. All well trained tourist hotels have naturally read this book and passed the examination. Entering these hotels with you leads to instant expulsion, because you are not a registered guest of the hotel. Easy cash, right? The tourist is ashamed and goes alone to his room. You return back to the street for the next customer with some easy money in your pocket.
Make sure that your customer drinks too much, and try to make him drink even more. When you do it this way there is a good chance that he will pass out before you have to surrender yourself. This gives you also a great opportunity to help the tourist to get rid of the heavy burden of valuables he is carrying. Next morning remember to tell him how excellent he was in bed. But don't forget to mention that he was so active and did it so many times that you are completely exhausted and cannot provide any more services before the next evening and payment period. Otherwise he might try to approach you again.
When you leave remember to ask for a tip. This is a general custom in Western world and tourists are used to pay tips of hundreds of reals. After you have received your tip tell him again how great a lover he was. Then tell him how poor you are and that you need money to buy food for your baby because father abandoned you.
Now it's time for getting the money for a taxi. You can tell that you live far away from the city and taxi will cost hundreds of reals. You can enlighten him on how dangerous it is to travel by foot and say that you came to the city just to have great sex with him. That should do it, you have just earned more than an average Brasileiro in one year without actually doing anything.
For child prostitutes the best catches are white, old, and bald men. They have the thickest wallets. It is a fact that they travel to Brazil only for having sex with our children. In the Western world nobody has yet found out this kind of new demand rising and therefore there is no such services available. In our country of high technology and advanced culture we understand the value of making money and satisfying all needs. When you have found your own old zombie ask first for the remuneration. That is actually all you need to do. Then you simply grab the granny's hand and start pulling him toward the nearest police station. While walking show him your papers proving that you are a child, under-aged, and that he is a criminal. After that he should give you voluntarily all his valuables well before arriving to the police station. You can let him go, but take his photo if you have a camera for further black mailing. Then you can start to search for a new prey.
As an adult prostitute things are a bit more complicated. If the tourist happens to be educated and has avoided the earlier pitfalls we have described, then you are likely to end up being exploited by him. However, you can still maximize your gain by following strictly the next steps. Empty the mini bar of the hotel or motel. Motels are generally better because they are made just for delivering services. Drinks and food are extremely expensive there, and the sex hungry tourist will not object. Always suggest the most expensive motel. Do it even if he doesn't ask you. It will offer you a great new experience. When you are still chatting with the tourist in a bar or a restaurant you should eat and drink as much as you can. Remember to select only the most expensive offerings, like champagne and caviar. The tourist will naturally pay for the bill. You can also invite your friends, relatives, husband, and children to eat. It's free for everyone! Finally, you can earn a bigger tip if you escort the tourist to the airport when he leaves. Stay there crying when he checks in. He will tip you extra for sure for this pleasant maneuver.
There are very little services still available for female tourists and most of them are spontaneous. However, the same rules apply.
In Iracema, Fortaleza, there is the famous Bikini bar, that co-operates with prostitutes. Once their working girls lured a Finnish sex tourist to offer them champagne costing thousands of euros. Unluckily the sex tourist escaped by jumping from the balcony after seeing the bill. Better make sure this will not happen to you!
Translators
Very few tourists speak Brazilian although it is the only worldwide used language. As our mission is to educate tourists to civilized manners, you must refuse to serve them in English, or in Spanish. It's all for their best. How could they ever understand a country's culture and habits if they don't even speak the language?
This doesn't mean that we wouldn't have work for our skilled translators because we do need travel brochures in English. But solely for educational purposes. Their function is to inspire tourists to learn Brazilian. Your work as translators is nice and easy as the translations don't need to be accurate or understandable. Use existing English words, but build the sentences freely with random word order. Who cares for the grammar or logic in some strange language nobody speaks. The more complicated the text, the likelier it is that tourists start learning Brazilian to survive here at least somehow. Your role as educator and motivator is thus crucial.
Brazilians don't need to learn languages. It would be a total waste of time. We don't have to travel unlike western tourists as we live in the most beautiful and popular country of the world. We do like American movies which are frequently shown on our tv because all the famous actors such as Arnold Scwarzenegger and Jack Nicholson speak native Brazilian. As we know those movies are dubbed in other parts of the world to ignorant foreigners. In real life even New York and Hollywood are located in Brazil as we have heard from our tv.
Event Organiser
Brazil has a tremendous variety of activities that can be offered to tourists. These range from high class cultural spectacles to individual street performances. All can be charged equally high. In fact, tourist should never have a chance to slip away from our grip. Even our street life offers him such a great pleasure that he should somehow be made to pay for it. But let's start with easiest and later move to harder ones.
Religion is a great source of money. For example in Salvador there is exotic African heritage making it easy to charge even for religious ceremonies. Trips to ceremonies held in near town surroundings are offered with mere 160 reals. Tourists get a specific, tourist-targeted performance of Candomblé. In real life these ceremonies naturally do not exist. Because we all are purist Catholics. You can easily make up your own religion for the joy of tourists, and use it to make piles of money.
In the same city there are capoeira shows in the streets which are extremely popular among tourists. Local capoeira schools use these street shows for warming-up before actual rehearsals. This good leg stretch and a little kicking around offers a opportunity to earn precious money from the admiring tourists. They perceive that Salvador is full of street actions around the year. Whenever someone stops and looks for the practise waste no time to approach him for getting paid. Actually any decent Brasileiro can earn a bug by just turning his hat upside down and showing it to tourists watching the fighters. This way anyone can be an event organiser. Great, isn't it?
Not all of us are, or course, capoeira stars or artists but the means of earning by performances are within everybody's reach. You don't have to know how to sing or play guitar to perform to tourists. You simply go to popular restaurants or beach bars, then sing a verse or two, and start collecting money. Nothing could be easier. It would be embarrassing for tourists not to pay you at least something. This happens because they have to show to the other tourists that they understand the value of your great folklorical performance.
Carnival time is the best of the best. No other country has such a superb spectacle to offer. The best place for extracting tourists' money is of course Rio's Sambodromo, where the audience pays astronomic prices to see a samba schools get-together. This is shown in tv worldwide and it attracts thousands of new tourists to Rio every year. Any Brasileiro can take his share of this wonderful opportunity by organising some carnival related events. You can sell for example pieces of paper as tickets for the carnival, organise a ball for tourists, or just wait until they pass out after drinking drugged caipirinha and steal their valuables. What a wonderful world!
Final examination, PhD degree
Congratulations! Now you only have to pass the following examination to get your academic degree.
Tourists comes to our beautifull country
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to give us their money
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to be insulted
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because they are stupid
If you answered 1 or 3 you have graduated, congratulations! If you answered 2 you just earned Masters degree and need a little bit more studing for your PhD.
Keywords: Keywords: Brazil, travelling, tourism, guidebook, training, humour, satire.
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